Posts tagged ‘NYC’

The LA Experience

So I went to California for the first time in my pathetic life last week for a little vacation. I stayed with a friend in LA for 5 days, and here is what I learned about the great West Coast antithesis of New York.

1) Wow, Southern California has great weather and beautiful beaches.
2) I’m pretty sure the most offensive structure to ever emerge in the name of American consumer culture, or probably from America in general, is the strip mall. LA is festering with shitty, old, abandoned strip malls of which the mere site tickles my gag reflex.
3) Driving in traffic and on freeways isn’t great, but parking in LA definitely sucks. If I lived in LA, I imagine I’d become the kind of person who just never went anywhere because I’d have to answer the question, “What will I do with my car?” or because I’d just plain refuse to give up a good parking spot.
4) And one might respond to the previous complaint with, “Well, just walk, why don’t you!” You can’t walk anywhere because everything is spread far apart, and even if the distance is manageable on foot, chances are you’ll be walking next to wide, ugly roads that are dotted with the aforementioned strip malls/shopping carts in open, blinding sunlight. In other words, walking is not a pleasant alternative.
5) Fish tacos are fucking great.
6) The Hollywood Walk Of Fame is really stretching the definition of “fame”.
7) LA is full of people who are all trying (many unsuccessfully) to do the same exact thing. If you’re trying to make it in film or television, say goodbye to your individuality/identity.
8 ) Frozen bananas are real, and they are also fucking great.
9) Bars kick you out at 2am. WTF.
10) Based on my personal experience, people in LA are no better looking than people anywhere else in the country, and I didn’t come back with a low self-esteem complex. In fact, I’m pretty sure that NYC has all the best-looking people.

And that’s mostly it! Great place to visit when New York weather is getting you down, but I wouldn’t want to live there. So far, no city has been able to top my beloved NYC. Public transportation, drinking til 4am, and access to anything and everything you could ever want is hard to beat.

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February 20, 2010 at 8:52 pm 5 comments

How to: Move From NYC to DC

This isn’t just a tutorial. It is a shoulder to cry on. Despite the promises of lower rent, better quality of life, and space to breathe, it will always be hard to leave New York City. And so, after completing this brutal task last year, I’ve compiled a list of things that make leaving the world’s best city just a little more bearable when switching to our nation’s capitol.

1) Gloat in spacious luxury

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February 4, 2010 at 3:53 pm 2 comments

How to: Not Get Mugged

Disclaimer: I am not a law enforcement professional. I am not a self-defense professional. I’m not a professional anything. The advice dispensed here is largely meant to be humorous and may not save your life in an emergency situation. If you are trusting information you got from a random person writing on a blog called Googly-Eyes to save your life, you probably deserve a Darwin Award anyway.

Disclaimer Disclaimer: I like to write disclaimers before I write anything that might get me in trouble, which is pretty much everything, seeing as most people in this day and age are a bunch of overly litigious, easily offended, whiny cry-babies who get their panties in a twist over innocuous bloggings and like to blame all their problems on other people. The disclaimer is my way of saying, “Hey, don’t do that!” and, “Hey Dick Cheney, chill the fuck out.” Also, I feel really sad and guilty when I get mean comments on my posts, especially when thick-headed dumb-dumbs take “jokes” to mean “VERY SERIOUS THINGS” and you wouldn’t want to make me sad, would you? Anyway, on to the writing!

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December 23, 2009 at 10:33 pm 2 comments

Things to Do This Friday Since the Sex & The City Premiere is Sold Out

OMG! So you totally wanted to go see your favorite whoresome foursome, Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and that brunette who is just dying for a baby, vamp around Manhattan and have careless sex with fabulous hats on, but the premiere is sold out! What’s a girl to do! Well, here are some suggestions of activities that might make you feel better about not having someone else’s sex life to talk about with your gal pals on Saturday morning:

– Vamp around Manhattan and have careless sex with a fabulous hat on

– Buy hundreds of pairs of shoes

– Disrespect the valet, or any other lowly service employee

– Paint your Pomeranian’s toenails the same color as your vagina

– Start therapy

– Come up with cute nicknames for your private parts in the vein of The Papaya, Snugglepuss, Mrs. Jones, or The Great White Nightmare

– Get your fix of bitchy women by watching re-run marathons of “The Real Housewives of New York City” on Bravo and hanging out at Urban Outfitters

– Have sex with the valet, or any other lowly service employee

– Sort out your drawer of thongs and fishnets

– Begin research to explain why ugly girls are so mean to you

And if all else fails, you can watch hundreds of hours of Sex and the City on DVD. Don’t get too down girls, you can always go see the movie on Saturday night. Unless of course it’s out of fashion by then.

May 28, 2008 at 7:58 pm 5 comments


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