New Years Resolutions

January 2, 2010 at 12:40 pm 4 comments

Man, every time I have a New Years Resolution it instantly becomes something I will never accomplish. Good posture, better handwriting, being less judgmental of guys I thought were cute until I find out they’re Republicans, etc. So, in the spirit of my assbackwards ways, I’m going to give you a list of surefire goals for 2010. Reverse Psychology, do your thing.

1) Be a Horrible Individual

So I’m at some cocktail party at my friends place, and even though I know nothing about you, I’m not even going to pretend to laugh at your shitty jokes. No, I will be obstinate in suddenly declaring that the shirt you’re wearing is stupid, and laugh out loud when I hear what it is you do for a living (“Jeez, is that why you’re so pale?!?”). When you start to display signs of hurt/confusion, I’ll just roll my eyes and say “Oh suck it up”, then excuse myself to down another captain and 7-up. Whatever. I’m too cool to deal with your shit. And the only way I am ever going to get better at looking like more of an asshole is if I-

2) Drink more.

Obviously, replacing lunch and dinner with rum and red wine is just not doing it. Move over, breakfast burrito. Without a doubt, a lot of my social failures are a result of not too much alcohol, but too little. Maybe if I had slurred your first name with more enthusiasm, we could have gone home together. I’m just sorry I didn’t throw up enough on your doorstep, you random stranger  you. And to all the people I drunkenly confide in- well we’re clearly not going to get any closer unless I triple my rate of consumption and just start reading you my high school diary.

In the name of intimacy and mankind, I resolve to give my liver a rum for its money.

3) Try Not Have So Many People Fall in Love With Me. Jesus!

God, will you men just stop throwing yourselves at me? It’s getting embarassing, especially since I know you’re just into me now that I have braces. Honestly, how many times have I asked you *not* to buy me drinks? Dinner, again?  I can barely squeeze in a happy hour what with all of these impending marriage proposals. To tell you the truth, I even get it from my local barista. Love notes in my latte foam, banners strung across 18th street declaring your desire to go on a date with me, etc etc. You already missedconnected me this week, and my inbox is over capacity from too many declarations of undying affection. It goes without saying that I’m going to have to be more of an abrasive bitch in 2010 if I’m going to get any room to breathe around here. Ugh, sorry guys. Really just had to get that one off my chest.

4) Eat Less Vegetables.

Shit, my stomach is a fucking terrarium. I can’t even see past my salad mix there are so many species of vegetation in my fridge. I think it’s pretty obvious that the only way to resolve this is with more mexican food, namely: tacos, tamales, burritos and enchiladas. It is only by drastically reducing my intake of leafy greens and folic acid that I can hope to be a healthier individual. This is going to be a tough one… but between you, me, and the Chipotle next to the metro station, I think we can knock this one out pretty easily.

5) Be Unproductive.

That’s right everyone, starting yesterday, my Hulu queue rolls 44 deep. What, take underwater basket-weaving classes? Bitch please- there’s an It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia marathon on TV, and you know how stepping outside my front door makes me feel rushed.  From now on, whenever I try to finish a book, I will just put it down after every chapter and see what’s in the fridge. Work uninterrupted for more than 15 minutes? Are you kidding?! Have you seen those new Gchat skins? I don’t think so, you workhorse you. This year will be all about taking as much time as possible to get my shit done, getting back to my latin roots and stopping every 45 minutes for an espresso/cigarette/glass of red wine. Vamonos!

Last, but most importantly: 6) Talk More.

No really, not many people know this about me, but I’m actually quite shy. I just wish I was one of those girls that could scream at random people on the street, talk about my undying love of Twilight ad nauseam to anyone who makes eye contact, and foam at the mouth from being so goddamn loquacious. I pine for the day when people I converse with have to excuse themselves, claiming they have to wash their hair, or better yet, lie down in front of a moving vehicle just to be spared the sound of my voice. Man, I just need to put myself out there, you know? Drunkenly ramble, maybe even start quoting Anchorman to get things super interesting. Obviously, #2 will help with my goal of #6. Now let me just figure out how to get this muzzle off my face so I can get the word out there.


Entry filed under: Fucking Crazy, Olivia. Tags: , .

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4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. alisaurus  |  January 4, 2010 at 6:09 pm

    I think we all need to resolve to post more. I saw today that those chumps who run the Dealbreaker website got a book deal… if only we applied ourselves and nailed down a solid gimmick, we could make tons of money by primarily publishing things other people have written or photographed! It’s the business model/American Dream of 2010.

  • 2. parkrangerolivia  |  January 5, 2010 at 6:33 pm

    Agreed. I resolve to brain storm and make a million dollars. Easier than eating vegetables!

  • 3. KTrain  |  January 6, 2010 at 2:10 am

    Spend more time trolling the facebooks of girls I went to high school with that now have babies!

  • 4. parkrangerolivia  |  January 7, 2010 at 10:24 am

    that’s just unhealthy.


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