How to: Not Get Mugged

December 23, 2009 at 10:33 pm 2 comments

Disclaimer: I am not a law enforcement professional. I am not a self-defense professional. I’m not a professional anything. The advice dispensed here is largely meant to be humorous and may not save your life in an emergency situation. If you are trusting information you got from a random person writing on a blog called Googly-Eyes to save your life, you probably deserve a Darwin Award anyway.

Disclaimer Disclaimer: I like to write disclaimers before I write anything that might get me in trouble, which is pretty much everything, seeing as most people in this day and age are a bunch of overly litigious, easily offended, whiny cry-babies who get their panties in a twist over innocuous bloggings and like to blame all their problems on other people. The disclaimer is my way of saying, “Hey, don’t do that!” and, “Hey Dick Cheney, chill the fuck out.” Also, I feel really sad and guilty when I get mean comments on my posts, especially when thick-headed dumb-dumbs take “jokes” to mean “VERY SERIOUS THINGS” and you wouldn’t want to make me sad, would you? Anyway, on to the writing!

As a female who’s been living in New York City for five years with no incident of attempted mugging, rape, attack, etc, I must be doing something right. After all, this city is teeming with people who want to harm you. That bum in the subway! That lady wearing only lime green and walking her dog (also wearing lime green)! That businessman who looks sort of like Santa Claus! All of them out to get you. So prepare yourself to walk the streets with the following tips:

1) Walk with an expression and posture that suggests you would stomp on a puppy if it looked at you wrong. This is an important little trick in protecting yourself from harm. I walk around like a hard-ass bitch all the time and never get hassled. You know who else leaves me the fuck alone? Salvation Army Santas. And attractive young men. No one is safe from my scowl, not even you, wheelchair grandma. In fact, this is a good way to ensure that no one will ever talk to you, making your commute from one safe indoor space to another all the faster and easier.

2) Don’t talk on the phone while walking by yourself. Mostly I suggest this because I find it annoying when people are gabbing in public places. But it’s also a good tip because talking on the phone is a huge distraction. If you’re yammering on and on about how wasted drunk you were last night to your girl Tina, you’re hardly going to notice when a terrifying crackhead sneaks up and jabs you with a rusty screwdriver. It happens ALL THE TIME. Talking on the phone also displays a phone that someone might want to steal from you. (Robbers assume anyone NOT talking on a phone just doesn’t have one!) And if you get your phone stolen, how are you supposed to call the police when you’re getting shiv’d in a dark alley moments later? Hm? Didn’t think of that, did you, Smartypants?

3) Don’t walk alone at night in shitty neighborhoods. I mean, try not to. If you live in a shitty neighborhood, this will be inevitable, but if you know a place to be sketchy and you’re on your own and it’s dark out, you may want to spring for a cab. And just really really hope you’re not blackout drunk and the cabbie isn’t going to rape you, as they do all too often. Or, call or text a friend/roommate and let them know where you are, and when you’ve reached your destination, so no scumbag can kill you without the cops finding out about it eventually. Justice!! And as always, use rule #1.

4) Keep your keys and phone at the ready. In case you are besieged by danger, have your phone handy so you can call 911, or the Maury Show, if necessary. If you’re near your apartment, it helps to have your keys close so you can get inside as fast as possible. Be sure not to fumble with them or drop them like all those idiots in thriller movies (why do they do that? It never helps) – this will just impede your attempt to reach safety and pretty much guarantee that the murderer gets you. And if you’re not near your apartment, you can try to stab the assailant with your keys. Why not, right? Basically, you don’t want to be digging around in your purse for 20 minutes trying to find items essential for your survival (lip gloss = not essential for survival, even if it is cherry flavored).

5) Don’t listen to your iPod while walking alone, at night, in desolate areas. Are you some kind of stupid person? Don’t listen to your iPod (or “Zune”) for all the same reasons as #2. Unless you got some killer dance moves that are gonna help you kick the shit out of a bad guy and you need Beyonce to do it, this will not help you.

6) Wear sensible shoes. Yeah girl I know your Laboutins look hot and shit, but they basically make you like the weak and dying wildebeest on the savannah. You’re an easy target for a lion because you can’t run away for shit. Hell, if I were out to get someone, I would definitely pick some skinny bitch in a sequin-y mini-dress with stilettos because I could probably just pick you up, turn you upside down, and shake you til  your beaded Gucci clutch fell out of your finely manicured hand before you could even say Dolce & Gabbana.

7) Have a penis. Mostly just for the heightened sense of security, and (slightly) decreased chance of being raped. No need to purchase one of these, simply find someone willing to lend theirs out for a few hours at a time.

8 ) Target the penis. Little known fact, but, the male sex organ, i.e., the penis (also referred to as, “dick,” “cock,” “tallywhacker,” “willy,” “johnson,”Larry Byrd,” “wang,” “wiener,” etc.) is very sensitive and susceptible to attack. If you are being attacked by a man, I suggest aiming at blow at his dong, which will immediately immobilize him, and hopefully, cause him to cry. So many episodes of Law & Order could’ve been avoided had the attackee just utilized this simple trick.

Well there it is, folks. My comprehensive guide on how to walk the streets without getting your ass kicked and your shit stole. And remember – suspect EVERYONE. But especially bums and poor people.

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Entry filed under: Alison, How To, Miscellaneous Musings. Tags: , , , .

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2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. emmabear  |  December 24, 2009 at 12:23 am

    I literally scowl at curbed puppies when I walk down the street. I just pretend that I’m hard, and hardly anyone ever talks to me.

    Reply
  • 2. parkrangerolivia  |  December 24, 2009 at 1:00 am

    Awesome post. Let’s not forget the power of a can of pepper spray, as well as screaming “FIRE!”

    Also, for anyone as paranoid as I am, I recommend a SPOT GPS tracker (http://international.findmespot.com/). It has a help button that will call 911. Holler.

    But, like Alison said, if you have a penis I wouldn’t bother.

    Reply

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