How to See New Moon and Not Kill Yourself

November 24, 2009 at 9:28 pm 10 comments

Okay ladies and gents, I know most of the people who read this blog are in their 20s, early 30s, and that age group that consists of our parents, BUT-

Don’t pretend like you’re not interested in seeing New Moon. Don’t even dare to play that “Too Cool” card. Because you will lose. So instead of delaying the inevitable, I’ve devised a pain-free way to see the cinematic equivalent of ripping off a bandaid. A very well-toned, awesomely scored, hello-kitty bandaid.

I took the kTrain to New Moon.

#1 Bring a Friend

This seems like obvious advice, but really, it is the most important thing on this list. Without the guffawing of a friend, you’ll feel pressured to take this movie seriously. And therein lies the rub: This movie is total crap. But when you have a friend loudly cackle with you every time there’s a reaction shot of Jasper cullen, it’s a lot easier to choke on your chuckles.

#2 Every time Edward says something, add “but man, I have the munchies.”

Edward Cullen: “I love you. You’re my only reason to stay alive… if that’s what I am…Fuck. Man, I have the munchies.” Bloodlust ensues. Followed by Fritos and a Diet Coke.

#2 is especially easy when, with the help of #1, your friend keeps repeating the munchie mantra into your ear.

#3 Bring a waterbottle full of vodka.

This one’s kind of obvious. But, every time Kristen Stewart’s character grabs at her shirt sleeves in frustration, take a swig. Some may confuse the desperate clutching of her wrists as “Acting”, the same way Robert Pattinson insists his talent is in his hair, and that’s why you can’t wash the magic out of it. Should you swig with every angsty wrist-grab, you’ll be prepared for #4.

#4 Chase down your stoli shot/Kirsten Stewart wrist-based OCD with a loud “HAH!” and confuse the 12-year-old next to you.

“What’s so funny?” they whimper. With your vodka-infused breath, slowly lean in and drunkenly whisper, “The air they breathe.”

#5 Whenever Ashley Greene/Alice Cullen appears, use your imagination and think of her naked.

Except, don’t use your imagination.

#6 Look around the theater at your fellow audience members. Point and laugh.

#7 Bring a kazoo.

Keep it in your hot little hands until Kirsten Stewart’s character hops a flight to Italy. When you see her plane’s “Virgin Air” logo fly past the screen in huge, painfully obvious lettering, whip it out.

Blow hard.

I think “Low Opacity” was a last-ditch effort for Rpattz to look less stoned.

#8 Take the disco biscuits you’d been saving for that phish concert out of your pocket and swallow. This will help for the scenes where Edward Cullen appears as a hologram. Reach out and touch him.

“Jacob, come back to the forest. With us. Naked.”

#9 Should all of the above steps fail, just bring ear plugs. This will help with dialogue that the Washington Post claims is “So wooden, it gave me splinters.” Re-create the angst yourself, using the New Moon Cast as a a canvas for your amateur ventriloquism.

#10 Lastly, let your eyes glaze over, drool start to form in pools in the armrest, and a general sense of content dominate every time you see this:

But try not to think about the fact that he’s 17. That’s what #8 is for.

—-

In all honesty, I had a great time watching this movie. Sure, it is mind numbingly stupid, ripe with mormon allegory, and chockablock full of subliminal lacoste commercials, but if you are anything like us you will laugh your fangs off. New Moon is 100 million times campier than Twilight, and somewhere between taking itself too seriously it just soared over the edge and into the land of “awesomely bad”. What little action scenes there were had suprisingly good special effects, though the makeup designer forgot to do her job, and the fact that vampires don’t have pores. Oh well. I am rambling. Go see it. Er, trip it.

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Entry filed under: Aspect Fellatio, Olivia. Tags: , , .

“Might Like You Better,” Amanda Blank “Mowgli’s Road,” Marina & The Diamonds

10 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Emma  |  November 24, 2009 at 10:57 pm

    I really liked New Moon.

    …I’m sorry.

    Reply
  • 2. aBailes  |  November 25, 2009 at 2:34 am

    i still swear he’s a little hispanic…even though they say he ain’t….but it’d do a solid for brown people everywhere.

    Reply
  • 3. Pedro  |  November 25, 2009 at 6:07 am

    This movie was totally hilarious! You forgot to mention Dakota Fanning, who surprisingly does a better job at being a vampire than anybody else. Michael Sheen can’t stop being Tony Blair, even with red contacts and long hair. And I can’t pretend I didn’t feel *something* when Jacob first took his shirt off.

    And of course, thanks for the Ashley Greene pictures.

    Reply
  • 4. alisaurus  |  November 25, 2009 at 10:09 am

    This is hilarious. I wish I had been there to see it with you guys. I haven’t seen the first one but I have big plans to get really fucked up and watch it at some point.

    Reply
  • 5. parkrangerolivia  |  November 25, 2009 at 8:57 pm

    emma: don’t get me wrong here… i LOVED new moon. I just think some people could do with a tutorial on how bad it is going to be.

    bailey: FOR THE LAST GODDAMNED TIME HE AIN’T LATINO. HE’S JUST STRAIGHT-UP BROWN.

    Pedro: I didn’t know that was michael sheen until you said that. I kind of thought it was Tilda Swinton. Tony Blair is probably the middle ground of these two.

    Alison: If you need to go alone, sit next to either a) 12 year old white girls or b) another single black woman. Both will make you competitively laugh.

    LASTLY, AN UPDATE:
    My sister’s friend went to school with Jasper Cullen. Apparently, the above picture is what he looked like ALL THE TIME.

    Reply
  • 6. BHU  |  December 4, 2009 at 2:38 am

    Ay Olivia,
    tan linda girl,
    que nostalgia verte again.
    we miss you so very much,
    OLPL & SILVIA

    Reply
  • 7. seph  |  December 10, 2009 at 7:31 pm

    I enjoyed it. But then we saw it in America’s last remaining drive in, so we could comment/laugh inappropriately at will without worrying about being attacked by girls in Edward Cullen t-shirts.

    Reply
  • 8. parkrangerolivia  |  December 23, 2009 at 6:57 pm

    Seph: awesome plan of attack. that also means you can hotbox your car if you forgot your e.

    Reply
  • 9. ri  |  October 29, 2010 at 4:58 pm

    idiots.

    Reply
    • 10. ri  |  October 29, 2010 at 4:59 pm

      just kidding. i just kind of felt like saying that. anyway. i agree.

      Reply

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