Dealbreaker

November 18, 2009 at 9:00 am 11 comments

My new favorite site, “Dealbreaker”, outlines character traits that are NOT okay when getting to know someone else. In honor of this site’s awesomeness, I’ve decided to come up with a few dealbreakers of my own, construed for the target demographic of our GE readers. Feel free to add more. Except Betty and Tim. You two are so fucking excluded.

Level: MountainClimber

You Work Out on The Elliptical

What the fuck, dudes? Everyone knows the elliptical is that stupid gym accessory that doesn’t actually burn calories, but just makes women feel better about themselves. How dare you steal my workout machine from under my untoned bosom!

This is the face I reserve exclusively for chainsaws.

Your Obnoxious Laugh

This one is the worst, because I love someone that has a sense of humor. But when your laugh is obnoxious, I find myself talking about my dead grandparents and “The Pianist”. “Hey Olivia, want to go see Pirate Radio?” you ask me. No, Obnoxious Guffawster, I ran out of ear plugs last week and even when we sat at opposite sides of the theater I could pick out your estranged giggling from front row. No THANKS.

Who knew Rainbowfish had aspartame?

You Drink Diet Soda

Hey, I have an idea. Ooo, I know it’s a little naughty. Sure, you may feel guilty about it later. Yes, I guess you could consider this to be “edgy,” but, yeah, reach for it. That’s right, grab the bottle. How’s that red feel in your hands? Bet you’re glad it’s not aluminum-colored this time. You took a risk, and I’m glad. Because real soda is for real people.

You Take Me Seriously

When I said I wanted to invent a new form of intergalactic communication, I didn’t think you would actually call NASA for a telephonic consult. And hey, I like lemons, and I like peanut butter, but I was totally kidding when I said Reese’s should come out with a lemonade. Why did you have to ruin my jar of Jif for demonstration purposes, dude?

thumbs_familiars_ruse

You Play Magic: The Gathering

…..

"If you dealbreak me, I will kick you in the face."

dealMAKER:

You Are Edward Cullen

I am into that. The biting thing. Hey, buddy. I got you some fangs. What? You don’t have to wear them in public. Just, um, kiss my neck under this sparkling gazebo of desire.

Don’t forget the contacts.

Suck my Gagas, Gawker

Dealbreaker: You Don’t Read Googly Eyes

No.

Dealbreakers added by Alison….

Lazy Typing

I can handle the occasional “street” abbreviation in the form of a “u” instead of “you” or “tmrw” in place of “tomorrow” in a text message where your screen space is limited and you have to type with those damn small keys, but anywhere else, it is entirely unacceptable. It makes me think you are lazy, uneducated, and possibly just can’t spell. Plus it makes you look like a dumb-dumb doo doo head. GROSS.

Hair Gel

NO! No no no no no. It wasn’t okay in 1997, and it’s not okay now. I know a guy from high school who seems like he would be a decent date, but yet, he’s rocking the same ‘do he did in middle school and it’s just embarrassing for all involved. I promise I don’t want to touch your crispy porcupine head, and neither does anyone else who’s not a consumer of MTV programming. Put. The. Dep. Down.

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Entry filed under: Alison, Miscellaneous Musings, Olivia. Tags: , .

Why I Won’t Be Seeing Avatar (Unless well okay I probably will but I WON’T LIKE IT) Fact Fucking

11 Comments Add your own

  • 1. alisaurus  |  November 18, 2009 at 11:50 am

    Should I add my dealbreakers in the comments section or add on to the post? Olivia, I am so sad you are in DC because I am in desperate need of my single ladies, and I think it’s just you and me now girlfriend.

    Reply
  • 2. parkrangerolivia  |  November 18, 2009 at 11:59 am

    whichever! though people who don’t have GE accounts are totally welcome to insert a dealbreaker into the comment box.

    don’t worry alison, that means it’ll just be the two of us there to catch the bouqet. and since I suck at catching it’s all you, baby

    Reply
  • 3. emmabear  |  November 22, 2009 at 5:08 pm

    Dealbreaker: The Serial Apologizer

    I think it’s super adorable that you said you were sorry when you “accidentally” brushed my hand with yours when we went to the movies, and that you apologized to our waiter when you made a bad joke at dinner. I do not think it’s super adorable when you apologize for bothering me with your phone call, or when you interject your well-founded opinions into a conversation, or in any number of other situations in which actual interaction of some kind occurs between us. Sack up. Why are you sorry for calling me? Am I supposed to be sorry that you’ve called? Not cool, and certainly not flattering.

    Dealbreaker: The Year-Round Tan

    The glow of a golden god is an exotic look, to be sure. However, if it is November, and this is New York City, and you definitely did not just get back from your vacation in Venezuela, you kind of just look like some Jersey Shore boy. You and Mr. Hair Gel ought to go get drinks together on Staten Island; I’m sure you will both do well for yourselves there.

    Reply
  • 4. Andres Bailey  |  November 23, 2009 at 12:28 am

    dealbreaker >>>> http://www.starstore.com/acatalog/tcm-beginning-box-set.jpg

    Reply
  • 5. alisaurus  |  November 23, 2009 at 1:31 pm

    GREAT ONES EMMA. so true. i hate the serial apologizer. there has to be a happy medium between insecure guys who constantly apologize and douchey jerks who think they’re entitled to everything.

    Reply
  • 6. parkrangerolivia  |  November 23, 2009 at 5:05 pm

    bailes, haven’t you heard of “Gorn”? i’m still swooning from that jpeg. be still my bloody heart.

    Reply
  • 7. emmabear  |  November 23, 2009 at 9:49 pm

    I really could do these all day. In fact, I kind of want to. I’m going to come back to this comment box for the rest of my life to write these.

    Dealbreaker: The One-Upper

    Friendly banter on a date is such a plus. And hey, who doesn’t love a half-serious “pity party” that is tinged with deprecating humor and light competition? I sure do. But when I can’t get a complete thought — nay, sentence out of my mouth before you interrupt me with tales of how the exaaact same thing happened to you, except also your mom saw the whole thing, and also you were standing in a cathedral, and there was also a grizzly bear there, it makes me want to stab you. I get it. You’re way cooler or sadder or hardcore than I have ever been or will be – but you’re still going home alone tonight.

    Guys, I love this game.

    Reply
  • 8. parkrangerolivia  |  November 24, 2009 at 9:48 am

    Dealbreaker:
    Passive Aggressive Internet Courtship

    I know you just changed your facebook profile’s music selection the first night after we hung out to match my interests. I mentioned in my latest tweet how much I would love to see that movie we talked about, but you still haven’t texted to make plans. Your Pandora playlist is full of angsty stations- what’s wrong? Was it something I said? I tried to GChat you about it but your status said “these days are to be consumed in flames”, so I let it slide. So here I am, posting in the same thread as you on our group forum, trying to rekindle the flames of our true love.

    Reply
  • 9. Emma  |  November 24, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    Ooooh, good one Big O.

    Reply
  • 10. Olivia  |  November 24, 2009 at 4:30 pm

    was this too passive agressive for you to realize i wrote it just for you, emmabear?

    Reply
  • 11. Emma  |  November 24, 2009 at 11:08 pm

    i was passive-aggressively ignoring the direction of your comment, so as to make you question my motives in commenting on your comment.

    🙂

    Reply

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