The Most Awkward Performer. Ever.

July 30, 2009 at 12:18 pm 1 comment

Pompadour’d British pop sensation, Esser, has mysteriously managed to become famous…despite his extreme lack of comfort with singing in general. Maybe some of you chaps across the pond will know who/what I’m talking about.

Watch his single “Headlock” and you’ll know what I mean. And if you don’t, take the plunge into my absolute and very scientific breakdown: Esser Is One Of The Most Awkward Performers Ever (peer-reviewed by JStor. Well, not yet. But soon.)

Groovy, right? It’s so hip it looks like it was made 20 years ago. Up until :34, you think, “Hey, this is pretty well directed! Look how nonchalant he’s being!”

Headlock1

Then :44 rolls around, and you start wondering, “Esser…is everything okay at home?”

headlock2

At :49, the pathetic swaying of the hips (or “dancing”, as the English call it) just got me worried. There’s a fine line between fascinating disinterest and a lead-singer with mild autism, my friends.

headlock3

As I watched this on TV, I kept waiting for some stills from “This is England” to start popping up. How disappointed I was!!

The video continues, with the stereotypical school children dancing and an awkward incorporation of Esser with choreography.

It’s one thing to do awkward things and not give a fuck, it’s quite another to let your embarrassment be syndicated on a global scale:

headlock4

Wow. Just…wow.

His next video, “I Love You”, is equally hard to watch. You just feel so bad for him…and not because he’s getting food thrown at his face. Lord knows Matt and Kim didn’t mind (nor did DikDik or JUSTICEvsSIMIAN’s trashed “friends“, or even their “Hustler” for that matter. )

Observe the progression of awkwardness:

Oh my god. How weird! Just WEIRD! TAKE IT LIKE A MAN, ESSER!

His video for Work it Out isn’t much better, either.More glitz and budget, yet it runs rife with dorky aliens and a cumbersome space suit.

Take a page of Lily Allen’s book on how to rock space suits, people.

I feel so uncomfortable from these videos that I’m not quite sure what to say… except: Michael Cera, where were you on the whole good-awkward/bad-awkward lesson plan? Esser could use a few pointers.

Instead, Esser, watch Blur: Best Of, take a shower, then get back to me. Don’t forget to study Damon Albarn’s performances, and be prepared for a Quiz on How to Make Eye Contact With The Camera.

Man, some kids these days just don’t understand.

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Entry filed under: I Saw It On TV, Olivia. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. parkrangerolivia  |  August 3, 2009 at 9:23 pm

    I know no one cares, but I feel really bad about this post.

    Esser: I listened to your album, “Braveface”, and it was awesome. I’m sorry.

    XOXO,
    Olivia

    Reply

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