You’ve Got To Be Effing Kidding Me: A Photo Essay

March 4, 2009 at 12:32 am 13 comments

I am going to murder my roommate.

See those eyes? Im capable of anything.

See those eyes? I'm capable of anything.

I know it’s against the law, yadda yadda yadda.  I’m prepared to throw myself on the mercy of the courts, though, because I have a feeling they’ll see it my way.

First, a little backstory.  Keeping the apartment clean is a constant uphill battle with this guy, especially since he spends most of his time at work or at his girlfriend, apparently only coming home to use the kitchen and bathroom as a staging ground for his whirling dervish impression.  Back around Thanksgiving, he left for home before I did, and the apartment was a disaster.  Not wanting to be a nag, but having to say SOMETHING, I sent him the following facebook message.

Oh man, I hate to have to complain because I’m sure you did it unthinkingly, but you just left for a week and the kitchen is repulsive. The garbage is literally overflowing onto the floor, which I even told you before you left. There’s a pizza box with crusts on the table. There are dried and hardened brownies on a plate on our stove. Food is crusted on the top of our stove. I just washed the floor, on my hands and knees, a week ago, but it is covered with dropped food and crumbs. The sink is clogged with bits of something and the “clean” dishes in the rack are dirty. There is milk in the bottoms of at least a couple of the bowls, and two spoons I’ve picked out of there have food dried on them. The cat’s litter box reeks, and I can smell it all over the apartment. I’m not just being anal retentive, this is honestly unhealthy. Flies are buzzing around the sink because there is food in the drain, and roaches can’t be far behind.

I hate having to complain about this because I feel like I’ve brought it up so many times before. This is really frustrating, though, because my mom is coming to pick me up this week, AND I’m returning to the apartment before you, and I really don’t want to come home from vacation to this. This means I have to clean up after you-not just the dirty stuff, but the dishes which have already been half-heartedly washed and are still filthy.

Something has to change, because no one deserves to live like this- you or I. Maybe we can work out a system where you pay me something to clean it up, or we hire someone to come in and clean our kitchen once a week, or SOMETHING. I don’t know what to do anymore.

When I got back he complained that my evaluation wasn’t “entirely fair”, although I thought I was being more than reasonable.  But, whatever.  He was marginally better at cleaning up after himself (or getting his girlfriend to do it for him), and things were mostly livable.  Well, for a while.  It’s been gradually deteriorating, as anyone who’s heard me complain about it in the past couple months can attest (there are a lot of you).  This week I’ve been working extra hard to get the place clean, because my sister is visiting this weekend.  On Saturday I scrubbed the bathroom from top to bottom, wiped down the kitchen counters, and scrubbed the kitchen floor until it glistened.  GLISTENED, I tell you.

Tonight, however, I came home to the following scene in the kitchen.  Be warned, some of these pictures are a little squicky.

Baked on grease, mmm!  Lets be fair, though.  You cant always help a little overspill, right?

Baked-on grease, mmm! Let's be fair, though. You can't always help a little overspill, right?

Oh, hey! Its that same floor that I JUST GODDAMN CLEANED.

Oh, hey! It's that same floor that I JUST GODDAMN CLEANED.

But at least he did the dishes, right?  I mean, he could have put them away, but surely he gets points for effort.

But at least he did the dishes, right? I mean, he could have put them away, but surely he gets points for effort. But what's that in the sink?

And here’s where I lost it.  My heart rate went through the roof, my blood was boiling.  I’m fairly certain steam is STILL coming out of my ears.



No.  NO.  No no no.  If you are washing the dishes, you scrape the food off of them first.  If the sink gets clogged, you don’t scrape MORE food into it.  And for the LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY if the sink looks like this after you wash the dishes, you DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, LEAVE IT THAT WAY.  If you suffer a heart attack or you have a family emergency or your cat is on fire, it might be acceptable.  This is not how humans are supposed to live, though, unless you’re a junkie in a drug scare movie from the sixties and you don’t mind living in squalor.  And you can only imagine how good this smells! (Hint: Not really very.)

Oh god this enrages me.  I’m going to go look at some funny dog pictures.


Entry filed under: Betty, Miscellaneous Musings, You Know What Really G's My G?. Tags: , , .

Funny Dog Pictures Don Hertzfeldt

13 Comments Add your own

  • 1. geekchicoho  |  March 4, 2009 at 2:05 am

    How have you not committed goddamn murders yet? I’m a self-professed slob, and I am guilty of any number of janitorial sins, but…

  • 2. Sarah  |  March 4, 2009 at 2:27 am

    oh puppy…
    only a couple more months with him at least!
    you can survive that without murdering.
    but, considering how disgusting he is
    and the warm weather coming on which will bring on the stink..
    you might want to consider a less drastic way of paying him back
    like forking him in the foot or something…

    also, staging ground for his whirling dervish impression made me laugh very, very hard.

    love you, see you soon!

  • 3. miranda  |  March 4, 2009 at 2:33 am

    dude, that should be illegal. when are you moving out again?

  • 4. Dave  |  March 4, 2009 at 8:46 am

    Apparently you’ve never lived with anyone before. welcome to the roommate game…where you’re house is dirty, your stuff comes up missing all your food gets ate and they cant split the utilities… i hope they weren’t good friends before cuz they wont be anymore. get used to it …until you get married then its the same crap only you’re in a thirty year mortgage…that life kid …buy a helmet!

  • 5. Camerhil  |  March 4, 2009 at 8:49 am

    To be fair, a burning cat is still no excuse for not washing up properly. It’s perfectly possible to execute a savage stamping motion upon a flaming animal while using your hands for other things. Believe me, I know.

  • 6. parkrangerolivia  |  March 4, 2009 at 9:28 am

    😦 😦 😦

  • 7. Jacki  |  March 4, 2009 at 5:17 pm

    Sweet HELL woman, are you living with an ogre?! I am so sorry you have to deal with this : ( There is no way that would fly in anyone else’s house, so it shouldn’t fly in yours. He isn’t a child, he should be able to act like a responsible adult. Let me know if you need anyone to get puerto rican in there. ❤

  • 8. Betty  |  March 4, 2009 at 11:41 pm

    My lease is up June 1st, which is tolerable!

    Fortunately my future husband is neater than I am most of the time, and I won’t be signing any 30 year mortgages any time soon (I’ve got a 30 year student loan to pay off first). Jacki if I could borrow some of your knives that’d be great! I’ll wash them before I give them back.

    Thanks guys! I’ll be sending you all subpoenas to testify at my trial!

  • 9. alisaurus  |  March 6, 2009 at 1:16 pm

    Good God Betty. Taking photos as evidence was a really good idea. That sink looks like someone vomited all over some dirty dishes, then when they tried to rinse them off and clean them up, vomit came out of the sink faucet.
    You should be able to background check anyone you’re considering as a potential roommate and find this kind of thing on a permanent record that delineates their value as a human being. Sort of like a credit score for cleanliness.

  • 10. neekaps  |  March 6, 2009 at 2:28 pm

    These pictures inspired me to compulsively clean every nook in my apartment.

    I’m so sorry to see this Betty!
    Kill him

  • 11. seph  |  March 8, 2009 at 6:34 am

    As a super-neat person myself I can totally sympathize with your murder-lust. I’ve been in the same position myself (my current roommate has a different skill… he just doesn’t pay bills, and I can’t threaten to take him to court because I’m related to him.)

    Just try to close your eyes and think of your neat future husband.

  • 12. Robyn  |  March 11, 2009 at 11:57 pm

    …all I can think is..WHAT THE FUCK?

    There are normal, clean people like us googly eyes readers. But why do so many clean people end up with those who can’t keep stuff clean? I don’t get it.


  • 13. Drew  |  March 13, 2009 at 12:31 pm

    Don’t get mad, get even. Seriously, as someone who has had plenty of roommates over the years, the key to getting your roommate in line is finding his weakness and exploiting it. Another method is the “can’t beat ’em, join ’em” method. Now, while you may not be up for it, this method calls for being even more of a slob than he is, until your place is soooo bad that even he can’t stand it and decides to clean. Like I said, this can get really ugly before it gets better, but has a high degree of success. Or you could murder him. Whatevs…


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