Twilight: One Bloated Corpse of a Novel

January 3, 2009 at 3:12 pm 6 comments

Here in the luscious greenery that is my hometown of Virginia, I find myself with ample time on my hands. Too much time. While at my seriously lacking bookstore (yes, the same one that didn’t have any copies of The Odyssey [a novel from which all novels were borne]), I found myself thwarted in yet another attempt to get a book I needed/wanted. So what did I buy? Twilight. You already know the story, but, after finishing the book in roughly 12 hours, here is what I have to say:

Twilight is MAD long. Homegirl could have written this book in 1/8 as many pages. But maybe that’s why people go so apeshit over it: It is indulgently written, letting both Bella and Edward draw out each emotional conflict as long as possible. Some guys love action porn, some freaks like torture porn, Stephanie Meyer, it seems, loves “feelings” porn.

Since there is almost nothing the cursed twosome can’t do without Bella almost getting the blood sucked out of her (aka sucking face), they talk. A lot. So often did Edward and Bella spill their real feelings that I would honestly have to keep an emotional scorecard in my head. “Wait, what are they upset about right now?” I’d have to repeatedly ask myself, then flip 4 pages back to when this minor tiff threatened these characters’ lives. “Oh yeah. Nothing.”

Pair these microscopicly sensitive  valleys in the shadows of  the Vampire plot mountains, and you have a bipolar Danielle Steele novel in (were)wolf’s clothing, sans consummation. Not only that, but the book is written so, so poorly. It’s as if Meyers looked up a manual of American phrases and decided to quote it verbatim. “His eyes burned with sincerity for a protracted moment-playing havoc with the rhythm of my heart.” This whole book is one protracted moment, god damnit! But wait, there’s more:

“His liquid topaz eyes were penetrating (hah!)- trying futilely, I assumed, to lift the truth straight from  my mind.” Gag. Descriptions like “rocky outcroppings” and “cursory glances” (my personal pet peeve) were stock in moving the novel forward. However, when it came to actually describing actions, like car crashes, Meyers seemed to get confused in the chain of events herself. I’m not even sure the major car crash that occurs in the novel is logistically plausible. Emotions, it seems, are definitely her vehicle of choice. 

I suppose that’s what makes this book so universally popular. It is written for a 12 year olds vocabulary, making it accessible to nearly everyone. Accessible, even, to meI could not put this shit down. It is so escapist, so basic and plain in its complete longing for what these characters have, that I can see why Robert Pattinson got so uncomfortable reading it. It is Stephanie Meyers fantasy, with a complete play-by-play of what she wishes her life were like. 

All of this being said, after reading the book, I love the movie so, so much more. That screenwriter, Melissa Rosenberg, deserves a fucking purple heart. It’s hard to trim the fat from such a meatless novel, and she did it with flying colors. God, in fact, after seeing the movie, I was kind of disappointed with the book. The world director Catherine Hardwicke painted in “Twilight” is just so much more interesting, so much more visually inspiring than any of Meyer’s second-hand descriptions, that I’m almost sad this book fathered the film. Without the book, I daresay the movie would have gotten much better critical praise than what the hype-haters and YA-doubters begrudged it. 

Oh well. Twilight and Fight Club. Two books where the movie will suffice. At least a child, somewhere, is learning to read from this, Harry Potter style. 

P.S. – One thing the book doesn’t clear up: What if Bella is on the rag? What happens then? The next book’s conflict starts when Bella gets a papercut and a vampire goes nuts from the scent of her blood. What about all those times she BLEEDS on a regular basis? As the lesbian vampires say to each other:

“See you next month!”


Entry filed under: Additional Reading, Olivia. Tags: , , , , .

Kele Okereke Don’t Playa Hate

6 Comments Add your own

  • 1. alisaurus  |  January 5, 2009 at 9:52 am

    I was thinking the same thing about her period. Though I haven’t read the book, this seems like an obvious question.

    Maybe it’s not addressed because most of her readers aren’t old enough to have their periods?? Or because everyone knows, even vampires, that period blood is icky!!! Eewww!!

  • 2. parkrangerolivia  |  January 5, 2009 at 11:48 pm

    listen, if they can have back-breaking sex, then I think she can let them know what the hell is going on below their waists.

  • 3. neekaps  |  January 8, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    Good review,
    What can you explain:

    “What if Bella is on the rag?”


  • 4. seph  |  January 23, 2009 at 6:51 pm

    It also doesn’t explain why, if Edward wants her blood so so much, Bella doesn’t just give him a freakin’ transfusion now and then and calm him down.

    Or why the Cullens don’t just live off of transfusions, for that matter. I mean, the dad’s a frickin’ doctor, you think he could score some.

  • 5. parkrangerolivia  |  January 23, 2009 at 10:39 pm

    yes! seriously! they even DO give transfusions to a later member of the coven, but then why the fuck cant edward get her blood? maybe its because he’s committed to staying veg.

  • 6. Betty  |  January 24, 2009 at 2:04 am

    If sucking Bella’s blood is the equivalent of premarital sex, then I guess a blood transfusion is like a handjob. Not the best choice but it’ll do in a pinch.

    Typing that just made me really depressed.


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