Quantum of Gayness. Yeah, I went there.

November 15, 2008 at 1:59 am 7 comments


Named after  what must have been the name that #1 Pete Wentz fans across the nation dubbed their first pop-Goth poem of hardship and brevity. Or maybe Ian Fleming just really liking the word “Quantum”. Uhhh…

Don’t get me wrong. I loved Casino Royale. The clumsiness and humanity of Bond’s revamped character was fresh and inviting. Almost as inviting as Daniel Craig’s (seriously) toned bod. But with Quantum of Solace, I found myself having to suspend my disbelief too often, thanks to its convoluted script and hard-to-belive turn of events. 

Yeah, I saw Renaissance just for the sound of your voice.

Yeah, I saw Renaissance just for the sound of his voice. SUE ME.

This is usually where the movie critic gives you a rundown of the plot, but honestly, who the fuck cares? It’s a James Bond movie. And yeah, it looked awesome. But there were never any truly insane action sequences, like the stunning 15-minute opener of its previous installment. (SPOILER!) Instead, we get a hugely explosive catastrophe from a corporation that just so happens to build their headquarters in a fuel cell bay. Right. Smart thinking, evil guys. Next time they’ll put HQ on a sinking ship. How convenient!

If anything, with Bond’s now-broken heart, we witness more and more of a disregard for human lives. In every pursuit, we see handfuls of innocent people killed, more blood spilled, and more classic 007 nonchalance as he accidentally slaughers civilians whether by car, high-speed boat chase, or plain insensitivity. What used to be a suave and vaguely concerned agent has now become a vengeful, clumsy, and stone-cold protagonist. Kind of like a captain’s widow with a license to kill. Sure, we empathize with the fact that his heart was broken. But did you really need to total three commuters on an Italian highway??

The real star of the film is, in my opinion, Judi Dench as “M”. Man, what a badass. Her cool, calm exterior is ace at showing flickers of uncertainty and compassion. Kind of like the Bonds of yore. Snap! I called that one, you smart, smart writers. 

Either way, I guess if you’re into big budget action movies with minimally relevant plots and a whole lot of Minority Report operating systems, go for it. There are definitely some flashy parts, and the editing of certain sequences is pretty breathtaking, but that’s about it. Keep the change for what is most definitely a Meh in my book. Save it for Rachel Getting Married. Which is another post entirely.


Entry filed under: Aspect Fellatio, Olivia. Tags: , , , , .

Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet The Greatest Cinematic Achievement of Our Time

7 Comments Add your own

  • 1. alisaurus  |  November 15, 2008 at 12:36 pm

    i saw this last night too, and like every bond movie i’ve ever seen, the plot was confusing in a way that was probably meant to mask the fact that it made absolutely no sense. however, the opening credit sequence with the new jack white/alicia keyes bond song was pretty awesome. and i guess it’s a good thing that i actually liked the bond girl this time around – she wasn’t completely retarded and was actually really pretty in a unique way, and i’m pretty sure they didn’t ever bone.

  • 2. parkrangerolivia  |  November 15, 2008 at 12:54 pm

    yeah, i’m pretty sure they didn’t bone so they could have a thread to work with for the next movie. you haven’t finished with a girl until you’ve slept with her, after all.

    and the opening titles were awesome, but it looked like a porno of aladdin-style dunes. I wish alicia keyes wasn’t in that song. jack white alone would do it for me without her nasty falsetto over sandy bosom titling.

  • 3. alisaurus  |  November 15, 2008 at 4:37 pm

    lol bosom

  • 4. Betty  |  November 17, 2008 at 2:29 pm

    lol bosom TITling

  • 5. cally  |  November 18, 2008 at 1:16 pm

    have you seen layer cake? if not you should watch it based on the fact that one, daniel craig is hot and two, it has action and a confusing plot like a bond movie but the plot is confusing in a good way. if sienna miller makes you want to vom, beware, she’s in it too.

  • 6. parkrangerolivia  |  November 19, 2008 at 9:38 am

    you mean L4YER cake? yeah, i’ve seen it. what can i say? i’m a sucker for action-heist movies of the smoothest order. that greenhouse scene was pretty sweet, brah.

  • […] long as no attempts at plot are made. Okay, that’s three points, but the real point is that this movie was pretty blah. I mean where were the guys with robotic hands? The last minute defibrillations? The flowery puns? […]


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