A Note to Michael Cera: How to Save Your Career Before the Awkwardly-Articulate Backlash

October 15, 2008 at 6:00 am Leave a comment

Dont look at me with those eyes [again]!

Don't look at me with those eyes, AGAIN!

Dear Michael Cera,

After beginning on Arrested Development as George Michael (not the singer songwriter, to be clear), it was kind of hard not to have a huge crush on you. Painfully shy, well-meaning, and permanently displaying your huge brown eyes in naive horror, you’ve created our decade’s new definition of cute geek. Sorry, Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

The problem, however, is that you don’t really have any other back-up personalities. You haven’t turned down any of the roles you’ve been typcast for, and you have yet to accept a part as a crack-addict/meth dealer/mentally retarded-person-overcoming-undefeatable-odds. Heck, if you even played a normal person that wasn’t just so darn witty that would probably push back your eminent backlash a good year or two. But that’s the problem, Michael! What am I going to do with you??

Now look, I care about you a lot. But I’m worried about you, to be frank. Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist??? I don’t care if Peter Sollet did direct it and also happens to be a genius, you took the easy way out. In fact, most people that I know who are huge fans of yours passed on the chance to see you in this iPod commercial of a movie. If you decide to jump onto yet another project with hand-drawn titling, I think you may get some very angry fans calling you up on their mangled hamburger phones.

So, like Joseph Gorden Levitt, take a chance! Be the lead in a movie about cocaine bricks, or pedophila…err….well, at least find another cause, and I don’t mean being the same character even when representing ALEXANDER HAMILTON. How you managed to pull that off is beyond me. However, being adorably geeky isn’t going to last forever, and I for one have become disenchanted with your predictable performances. Once you get laid in real life, you’ll see what I mean.

Until then, give me a call.

Best,

Olivia

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Entry filed under: Olivia, The Celebrity Store. Tags: , .

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