Why Are They Famous?! Heidi Montag

July 21, 2008 at 12:04 pm 5 comments

Heidi Montag: dumbening this generation since 2007. Heidi’s inexplicable fame makes me so angry I can barely speak, let alone compose a coherent sentence. Why God? Why is she famous? When did our society get to a point that being blonde and on television with no merit or talent is enough to rocket you to the top of public consciousness and media attention? Oh yeah, Baywatch. Damn you Pamela Anderson! You’ve ruined it for everyone! At least she was trying to act.

So I’m told that Montag got famous for being on a show called The Hills, the follow-up/spin-off to MTV’s Laguna Beach. Now I never watched The Hills, but from my few viewings of Laguna Beach I can assume that it’s the same complex, stimulating, character-driven drama that is engrossing to 12 and 13 year olds alike. Except incredibly (and obviously) staged. And who better a role model to young girls that an illiterate, no-talent, mush-brained, skinny blonde with fake boobs and big teeth who gained notoriety for being a massive bitch to another massive bitch? I see now that going to college was a huge mistake! All this time wasted on education could’ve been spent at the beach and the gym, and hooking an ever-so-perfect boyfriend that is a vapid male clone of myself. 

I wish I had something new to say about Heidi Montag, but to be honest, her very existence makes me want to vomit with rage. The media seems ironic in their coverage of her life, as if they themselves are baffled that anyone gives a crap, yet they continue to publicize her exploits in her “music career” and relationship. And basically every other stupid thing she does. She’s engaged, she’s not, she gets her boobs done, she gets trapped in an ATM vestibule, she goes to a baseball game, she cavorts on the beach in a bikini. The most outrageous fact about Heidi Montag? She and douche-burger boyfriend Spencer Pratt get paid (thousands and thousands of dollars) to go to parties, and won’t go to any event if they’re not paid. There was the most amazing video of Spencer Pratt on Letterman getting absolutely reamed but I can’t find it anywhere online… it’s been suspiciously taken away (hmm…) Considering these people are so materialistic that they themselves are for sale, can someone please pay them to just crawl into a hole and die? It would be worth it, I’m sure. 

I’m probably not helping matters by posting this blog wanting to know how humanity has become this desperate. This applies to basically everyone from The Hills, including Lauren Conrad, Audrina Patridge, Spencer Pratt, and so on. I’m disgusted that I know these people’s names, and I’m sure my life would be better if I didn’t. Don’t you get it?! They’re famous for NOTHING! They are shallow, narrow-minded, privileged, catty beach bitches! In short, I have to end here with some delightful quotes from everyone’s favorite Kwazy Kwistian republican fembot, Heidi Montag.

Hey, lay off, she’s just like Jesus!

“There were rumors about a sex tape, but I had nothing to do with that. God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I’m going to get persecuted, ya know? But it doesn’t matter to me.”

 “I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God.”

“I like to read a couple books at once. I was reading the Princess Diana book. I’m reading a book about Chicago and the mob. Right now I’m also reading the Bible, beginning to end. I’m very religious. That’s how I’ve gotten to where I am.”

“I’m just glad I don’t have to deal with all the drama. I mean, it’s fun to watch, but I’m glad it’s not my life. I’m actually a drama-free person.”

“I also plan to win an Oscar. I’m very ambitious.”

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Entry filed under: Alison, The Celebrity Store. Tags: , , .

I Know Why The Caged Foreigner Sings The Googly Eyes Tribute Band

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Arik  |  July 21, 2008 at 12:36 pm

    Is this the video of Spencer being reamed out by Letterman?

    Reply
  • 2. ɹǝƃƃolquǝʞoʇ  |  July 22, 2008 at 9:26 am

    So glad I’ve never seen either of those shows or heard of this person ’cause then you just might hate me by association!

    Reply
  • 3. parkrangerolivia  |  July 22, 2008 at 1:03 pm

    buuuurn. but probably true.

    Reply
  • 4. alisaurus  |  July 22, 2008 at 1:59 pm

    Mostly I’m just saddened that we kind of just take whatever the media gives us in terms of “celebrity” and indirectly, role models. I hadn’t even heard of these people until I interned at NBC and it was my job to troll through celebrity gossip every day, so maybe I’m wrong and most people are lucky enough to live in a world without knowledge of Heidi and Spencer.

    Reply
  • 5. The Persistance of Celebrity « Googly Eyes  |  July 26, 2008 at 4:51 pm

    […] not sure whether it’s a commentary on the uniqueness of Dalí, or on the uselessness of our current celebrities, but I can’t imagine an equivalent character on television today. Racking my brain further, I […]

    Reply

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