Why I Love My Parents

July 11, 2008 at 9:40 pm 5 comments

Lucille and George Bluth

Probably the best role models of parenthood ever: Lucille and George Bluth

Some children talk about school, or football, or their “day” when talking to their parents. However, at last night’s dinner, it became all too apparent that my primary care-givers are more like the Samantha and Miranda to my Carrie. For example:

Mother: Yes, well, I don’t care if he’s a good lawyer. I hired him, I’m the boss, he has to follow what I say.
Father: Yeah, why does he spend so much time in the bathroom anyway?
Olivia: Is he bulimic?
Father: No, he’s gay.
Olivia: I know…
Mother: I don’t see how he could be, all he eats is a subway sandwich for lunch!
Olivia: Anorexic, then!
Mother: Why does he always run the water when he’s going to the bathroom, though?
Me: OMG, are his teeth all yellow? Does he binge on large quantities?
Father: He’s probably putting in a butt plug or something.
Olivia chokes on her food.
Mother: What’s that?
Olivia continues to gag.
Father: Well, I was talking to Julie Montgomery at work the other day, and APPARENTLY it’s to stop any “leaking” back there.
Olivia: I can’t believe we are having this conversation. Besides, that’s not even what it is!!
Mother (interested): Oh no? Then what is it for?
Olivia: It’s…It’s like a dildo, but for back there. Sort of.
Father: Ohhhhhh.
Mother: Ahhhhh.
Olivia looks around the restaurant, paranoid that someone heard this exchange. She sees an odd looking couple across the room. She raises her eyebrows at her father.

Father (in spanish, towards the couple): God, how ugly the asian guy is.
Olivia (in spanish): I know, right? That white chick is such a babe!
Father: Why is she with him?
Mother (singing): Moneymoneymoneymoneymoney!
Olivia: But…But…
Mother: Well, you know, we don’t really know a lot about these new interracial relationships. *

Mom, Dad, you rock. You rock even more for not bothering to read this, even though you know what the URL is, and even though I used your Godaddy account to buy it! Thanks for being such great role-models. With you two, going home is never boring.

*My father is Iranian, my mother is Argentine.


Entry filed under: Miscellaneous Musings, Olivia. Tags: , , .

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5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Tim Cameron  |  July 12, 2008 at 6:19 am

    Man, all I ever talk about with my mother is monster trucks. When is she going to learn that there’s more to life than The Great GargantuFord.

  • 2. alisaurus  |  July 12, 2008 at 10:23 am

    Hahaha that’s hilarious. I loved the reveal that you were in a restaurant during this conversation haha.

  • 3. parkrangerolivia  |  July 13, 2008 at 10:16 am

    At least a shared love of monster trucks will never meander into the territory or porn and/or sex toys.

  • 4. seph  |  July 15, 2008 at 8:18 pm

    Oh man, that’s bad. It makes me happy that my dad’s inappropriate conversation topics are usually confined to murder and insane conspiracy theories.


    my primary care-givers are more like the Samantha and Miranda to my Carrie.

    I totally had to look up this reference, which I’m pretty sure means I have to go cash in my girly parts now.

  • 5. parkrangerolivia  |  July 16, 2008 at 12:22 pm



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