I’m Not Gay, But…

June 7, 2008 at 10:45 pm 3 comments

So recently I got my hair cut very short. Holly Kiser from Make Me a Supermodel short. Boy short. And since then I have been very conscious of my wardrobe, buying more and more dresses and steering clear of my usual ensemble consisting of jeans, a t-shirt, and my bi-curious Chuck Taylors.

I want to make it very clear to people that, just because I have a liberal and progressive haircut, I’m an old-fashioned girl downtown. And while no one has outrightly assumed I was a lesbian, I always ask myself before leaving the house, “Do I look gay in this?” Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay, nothing whatsoever. I love Ellen, and Jackie from Workout, and Bravo altogether. And my fabulous gay friends, of course, so let’s not make this about that.

For some reason, it’s just a bit off-putting for people to mis-guess your sexual orientation based strictly on appearance. (Excluding that one time in Dublin where Betty and I pretended to be a gay couple so this total frat boy douche would leave us alone.) For a guy or a girl, to be presumed gay when you’re not just seems to be some kind of question of your masculinity or femininity.

And boy, I don’t have to tell you, us straight people have it hard! Ah just kidding. But really, where I was going with this post is, though I am not gay, there’s nothing wrong with having a girl-crush on women that, if you were a lesbian, would totally rock your boat. Here is an abridged list of my girl skeets:

1) Amy Sedaris

Amy Sedaris is my hero. Period. She sets an amazing example for all women, being a successful (and single) female comedian, actress, and homemaker. Tumblecizing on The Colbert Report and refusing to be “sexy,” Amy says you can be raunchily hilarious (“I like the pole and the hole!”) and still go home to your pet rabbit and bake cupcakes. Her book “I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence” is chock of full of fun and crazy recipes, craft ideas, and anecdotes that make me desperately want to be invited to one of her parties. In fact, one of Amy’s craft ideas, gluing googly eyes onto just about anything, accompanied by a picture of a googly-eyed peanut, was the inspiration for the name of this site. And Strangers with Candy is without question among my top favorite TV shows of all time, with a LOL factor of 10/10. I want to be Amy Sedaris when I grow up.

2) Tina Fey

Tina Fey rocks my world. Genius writer and showrunner behind 30 Rock, the funniest sitcom since Arrested Development, Tina has it all. But everyone already knows this since 30 Rock won the Emmy and she was plastered on the cover of just about every Entertainment and Women’s magazine. Slightly disheartening, however, is the way Tina has been sexualized so broadly – why do we need to put women in fishnets and makeup for them to be appealing to the masses?! Tina, I loved you just the way you were, in your bi-curious Chuck Taylors, black-rimmed glasses, and delightfully fluffy, wavy brown hair. Tina also brought us several successful years of SNL, and the only good film Lindsay Lohan was ever in, Mean Girls. That says a lot, that not even Lindsay Lohan can bring this woman down.

3) Amy Poelher

Amy Poehler is the funniest person on SNL. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis, and even Kristen Wiig, but none of ’em do it like Amy. She is always showing up as a guest star on great comedy shows, and her presence will funny up just about anything. Like the episodes of Arrested Development where she plays seal trainer/wife to real-life husband Will Arnett, but ends up falling in love with Tobias Funke. Amy is also one of the owners of the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in New York, and starred in the short-lived Comedy Central show of the same name (which is right up there with Strangers With Candy in terms of LOL factor.) And it doesn’t hurt that she’s married to my favorite Arrested Development funny man, Will Arnett. Threesome, anyone?

4) Laura Prepon

I’ve always had a thing for redheads, that’s a fact. Most people know Laura Prepon from her role as hot Donna on That 70s Show, which ran for something like 8 seasons, though to be honest, that show was dead to me once she went blonde (the writing also went a bit sour, but before that, it was freakin’ hilarious). But before that, she was a sassy spitfire, a tomboy and a feminist with an endlessly hip Annie Hall wardrobe of flannel shirts and baseball T’s. She didn’t take nothing from no one. Basically, I want to be her. She’s tall, curvy, has amazing facial bone structure and pale skin that makes her look Swedish or something, and gives me a raging girl boner. She was also in Slackers, with earlier male skeet mention Jason Schwartzman.

So this is where I leave you, readers, with myself completely questioning my sexuality. What have we learned? I am totally into strong, funny, independent women who aren’t afraid to play down their hotness. Though I should make a point to note that none of these women are lesbians anyway, so if I were to switch teams, it would be fruitless. I’m just proud of myself for being mature enough to be in love with the women I admire instead of hating on them with jealousy. Hate on, haters! Everyone else, embrace your inner lesbian.

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Entry filed under: Alison, Miscellaneous Musings. Tags: , , , , .

Joseph Gordon-Levitt Look at This Shortie

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. parkrangerolivia  |  June 8, 2008 at 9:28 am

    Amy looks so happy, covered in ice cream condiments. where IS laura prepon these days?

    Reply
  • 2. alisaurus  |  June 8, 2008 at 11:17 am

    she’s been in a string of no-name indie films… she broke my heart when she went blonde, so i don’t keep track much anymore.

    Reply
  • 3. neekaps  |  June 9, 2008 at 6:10 pm

    Can I borrow that Amy’s crafty book from ya.

    I liked this post.

    These femmes fit a very Alison Grasso-ie lineup.
    Maybe I should make something like this because the lez girls I crush on are very different.

    Reply

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