Movie Meteorology: Summer Movies

May 26, 2008 at 2:06 pm 2 comments

Summer is upon us, and that means the masses will be clamoring for a seat in the only reliably air-conditioned place in the city: the movie theater. I would say that it seems like every summer, we are bombarded with a slew of unforgivably bad films that were written, shot, and distributed in the span of about four months, but I’ve noticed that this year in general has produced hardly any films that I would bother paying the $12.00 ticket price to see. Examples? Over Her Dead Body, 27 Dresses, Dan in Real Life, and so on. I could only name a few because everything else was so horribly forgettable. Perhaps with the legit excuse of the writer’s strike to blame. Don’t get me wrong, there were some good ones too, namely just the Oscar noms and art-house indie stuff. And now I am going to tackle the task of movie meteorologist for the summer, and predict the future of what will be good and bad based only on the trailers.*

THE GOOD:

Quid Pro Quo, starring Nick Stahl, is about a disabled radio reporter who learns that there are people paying/bribing doctors to be paralyzed or have limbs amputated when they are completely healthy, for no reason other than some kind of fetish. The trailer made this film seem like it was a lot more dire than it probably is, but the concept is unique and really intriguing. Hopefully the cast and writing can back it up for a drama that is suspenseful and thought-provoking among the brainless comedies of the season. (Out 6/13/08).

My Winnipeg, starring no one you know of, looks like a crazy, campy sight and sound film made into a feature length “docu-fantasia” that ignores all convention to be probably one of the most original films in years. Think 8 1/2 meets Running With Scissors meets A Wonderful Life. A director tries to say goodbye to his hometown of Winnipeg by re-creating his childhood with a cast of actors as his family. Most likely will be brilliant. (Out 6/13/08.)

Wall-E, the new Pixar film, will probably be my only absolute must-see of the summer. Johnny 5 meets E.T. in the cutest freakin’ robot movie of all time. It’s a story about Earth after it’s abandoned by humans and left for clean-up by robots, who eventually develop personalities. I’ve only seen the trailer, but I swear if that little robot Wall-E dies I will be bawling in the theater. Thank you, Pixar, for consistently and continually creating films that are original, creative, and brilliantly moving. (Out 6/27/08.)

THE BAD:

Miss Conception starring Heather Graham with a fake British accent as a crazy woman desperate to get pregnant before she’s hit with early menopause. That’s the movie. Why wouldn’t they just cast a British actress? Everyone else in the film is English and I would assume it’s taking place in England. I also think the poster and graphics for this film must’ve been created in 1996 by the same people that did The Pink Panther and was put on the shelf til this little gem was perfected for release. (Out 6/6/08.)

You Don’t Mess With the Zohan. Adam Sandler plays an Israeli commando who leaves the violence behind to go to New York and become a hairdresser. Full of topical comedy about the Middle East. Why God? What have we done to deserve this? (Out 6/6/08.)

The Love Guru is the new Mike Meyers 90-minute long sketch, I mean, feature film. Even the trailer contains jokes that were used in Austin Powers, and since this film is basically the same thing but with him as an Indian guru instead of an English secret agent, I’m sure it will be redundant as fuck. Other flaws in the film? Jessica Alba’s presence, a black guy playing hockey for the Toronto Maple Leafs (there are no black people in Canada, duh), and more jokes at Verne Troyer’s expense. Good things about the film? Justin Timberlake with a fake mustache. I guess he’s hoping that this will be the new generation’s Austin Powers since that’s probably playing on AMC by now. (Out 6/20/08.)

Hancock has Will Smith playing an obnoxious, alcoholic, asshole with superpowers who is always fucking things up. I might’ve given in to this premise of a guy with super strength, but then I saw Will Smith flying around and it just reminded me of that horrible Wayan’s Bros. video Betty posted ages ago. Flying around? That’s kinda fruity. (Out 7/2/08.)

August starring Josh Hartnett, a period film about a man way back in 2001 who started a website, made a shitload of money, became a major player, then lost it all. This film’s major flaw: anyone who knows jack about the internet (especially in 2001) probably doesn’t look like Josh Hartnett and wouldn’t end up at hip underground clubs once they hit it big. Despite David Bowie’s role in this film, it looks pretty crap. 2001 wasn’t long enough ago to fraudulently glamorize it in the way this film does, because it was only seven years ago and we remember what it was like (i.e., there was no internet because Y2K caused all our computers to crash). (Out 7/11/08.)

THE UNDECIDED:

The Rocker starring Rainn Wilson and a bunch of unknown teenagers in School of Rock meets Blades of Glory and Walk Hard and every other generic comedy schtick movie. Will Arnett and Jason Sudeikis are also in this, and I love them both, but I really wish they would stop making films that should really only be 5-minute sketch bits. A washed up, 45 year old drummer in a former hair metal band joins his teenage nephew’s band and goes on a tour of the Midwest after making a really popular YouTube video. I respect the casting of awkward-looking unknowns, but I don’t know if this can really turn out well. (Out 8/1/08.)

The Dark Knight, with Christian Bale and Heath Ledger, as the follow-up for Batman Begins. Some people might think it’s in poor taste to see this film since Ledger’s death (I’m not sure why) but without a doubt, his performance is the main reason to see this one. The last Batman movie was too foreign and removed from the previous franchises, and the return to the Joker as the villain will give The Dark Knight a better context amidst the new movies’ super effects and crazy modern gadgets and robo-cars. Whether the film as a whole is good or bad, however, is hard to tell. (Out 7/18/08.)

This was, without a doubt, one of the most time-consuming and depressing posts ever. I confronted a number of horrible films-to-be, and those were only a few among the dozens of trailers available. Hopefully this can serve as your guide when navigating your way through the land mines of crappy summer movies. Good luck, and stay tuned for another edition of Movie Meteorology.

*This is all speculation. I am not a licensed movie meteorologist, and I reserve the right to retract all claims in the face of being proven wrong. In fact, I reserve the write to come back to this post after these movies have been released, change my comments and assumptions, and pretend I was right all along.

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Entry filed under: Alison, Movie Meteorology. Tags: , , , .

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2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. bettytron  |  May 26, 2008 at 11:55 pm

    I agree with everything here, except I am a nerd, and would therefore put The Dark Knight solidly in the “Good” category. Christopher Nolan is seriously brilliant.

    Reply
  • 2. parkrangerolivia  |  May 27, 2008 at 12:36 pm

    Same. I am stoked for Batman. I am also listening to “Brazil” non-stop in anticipation for Wall-E.

    Sandler and Meyers need to give up and just start writing for other movies and tv shows.

    Reply

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