If You’re Horny, Go To a Bike Shop, Bike Girl

April 23, 2008 at 7:25 pm 2 comments

By KT MG

I’m starting off by saying that the advice that I’m about to give is intended for a target demographic: females in their early twenties, in college, in New York City who identify themselves as sexually frustrated people.

It comes as no shock, that many college females in New York City feel themselves sexually frustrated. However within the mass of sexually frustrated females (SFF), only one type of lady can use my advice to her advantage. She is: the bike girl.

A bike girl:

an urban bike rider.

A fearless thinker.
One who has received an outside-the-box education and possesses a special skill. Her skills could be in the form of a fine art, an exercise, an attitude, a style of dress, or an agenda. She’s cute. Brainy.

APPROACHABLE.

She rides the streets of New York City.

No, one mustn’t confuse her with other phony bikers. For instance, the model on a bike you see in Soho ringing her bell is NOT a bike girl. And…jocks aren’t bike girls either

Anyhow

One displeased, bike girl, Olivia, recalls an unfortunately common story.

She and her boyfriend had split up in the fall and since then she has found romantic attention hard to come by. As she tells it, her libido perked when she finally realized that an unexplained randomer in her life was actually a real charmer once he started talking. Flirting on the sly, Olivia caught him giving her special glances, several times.

They decided to get a drink or get some herb (maybe do something even more exciting). On the walk, this handsome guy, token of hope, points to an apartment on the street and says, “That’s my girlfriends house.” AH. Olivia’s chest sinks. She wants to stop the bullshit right there and walk all the way back home. Can’t have sex with a guy who’s already taken. Even though his “over the counter” sex signals were tempting, her morals made the right decision for her.

Boys, they’re fucking dumb.

My advice to you, dear Olivia, is to cheer up and to go to a special bike shop where all the displeased bike-girls go for “special attention”.I’m not releasing the name of this bike shop, because I don’t want to be responsible for a population boom.But I can tell you that this bike shop is in the West Village off of Barrow Street.

Olivia, take your bike there. Best take a bike that has a problem, so the visit is more purposeful. If your bike is healthy, take a friend’s bike that has a flat, for instance. Or even if your bike is in good condition, take it anyway( with the reasoning that it’s always a good idea to have a service check, especially during the spring when you’re going to use it more anyway)

What to expect of your service men 101

Number one: they’re straight up sexy. These guys spend half their time working in the shop, the other half, cycling and lifting.

Number two: they’re bohemian. (like: part time bike mechanic/ part time glass blower, na mean?)

Number three: they want to bone you (no matter what)…

And Why?

That’s easy, because you’re a natural born bike girl.

Stylizing tips:

Dress it down and funkify. Wear a skirt, show your legs

You’re going to walk in and bike man is going to notice you right away. I’ll tell you now: he’s going to check you out, but don’t let him know you know. Tell him your premier concern with the bike. Only when he’s focused on the bike can you check him out. Never let him catch you

It’s a game, you move through it slowly and carefully.

After he fixes whatever it was that needed fixing, ask him more questions about your bike. Let him take his time

3 cherries in a row, if you’re lucky- He’ll find a very minor problem that deserves a second checkup. You know you’re Helen of Troy when you asks your name, your neighborhood, and chases you out of the store for your number.

Understandably, he’s there to make money but what’s more important is he wants your vagina.

So, go there, follow my advice, and see what happens.

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Entry filed under: Katie, Sex Sex Sex. Tags: , , .

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2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. alisaurus  |  April 23, 2008 at 10:05 pm

    Perfection.

    Reply
  • 2. parkrangerolivia  |  April 23, 2008 at 10:08 pm

    oh god, as much as it sounds like he was coming on to me, the truth is that it was more like an exchange of witty and freakishly similar humor.

    EDIT 4/26/08:
    I am going to hell.

    Reply

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